This idea has been nagging in the back of my mind for a while, that I might not have been honest with myself that I believe in what the Bible says. I've been baptized, confirmed, and I've gone to church most weeks. I was sure I fit the "Christian" label. And yet tonight, I went to worship large group and I had a sudden realization that none of this is real to me. It's a fantasy land to me. I really wish it were real, because it would be so awesome to have a god that looks down on us and loves us and cares for us, but it's just not true. We have no savior, we have no afterlife, it's all up to us. I don't know if it's completely "true" to some people, but I know that I don't believe, and so have never believed, that Jesus came down from heaven to save us. That whole story never made sense to me. What's up with who Jesus is? Is he God, able to do anything? Then how can he be limited in human form? Either he cannot relate to true humans, as God, or he cannot be all good, as a human. Did he even exist? I don't understand what that story is meant to say.
In a night, my life has become this much more lonely (losing a god? so sad...), but it is so real right now. I won't waste my life living for a god that doesn't exist, waiting for a call that will never come, asking for comfort and help that won't show up, except by coincidence. I don't have to blame myself for what goes wrong, because I can be sure that I am a human and that we make mistakes. If there is a perfect God, then when I mess up it can only be out of his "love." Do I realize how much nonsense that is? How can a loving god give out punishment, pain, death, and suffering on the levels that I experience day to day, not to mention what happens to so many people around the world with cancer and in prison and in wars. Now, I am free to work with the skills I have, unburdened by restrictive laws written for another culture, and I can know my limits. I have control. I have security. I have freedom. I can have peace and I can be real. Jesus is not real, and is certainly not alive in heaven. Ah, mind blown. I would that I could have realized this sooner. The pains of growing up Christian. :\
In a night, my life has become this much more lonely (losing a god? so sad...), but it is so real right now. I won't waste my life living for a god that doesn't exist, waiting for a call that will never come, asking for comfort and help that won't show up, except by coincidence. I don't have to blame myself for what goes wrong, because I can be sure that I am a human and that we make mistakes. If there is a perfect God, then when I mess up it can only be out of his "love." Do I realize how much nonsense that is? How can a loving god give out punishment, pain, death, and suffering on the levels that I experience day to day, not to mention what happens to so many people around the world with cancer and in prison and in wars. Now, I am free to work with the skills I have, unburdened by restrictive laws written for another culture, and I can know my limits. I have control. I have security. I have freedom. I can have peace and I can be real. Jesus is not real, and is certainly not alive in heaven. Ah, mind blown. I would that I could have realized this sooner. The pains of growing up Christian. :\
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