Oct 19

"Thus says the Lord: stand by the roads, and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is; and walk in it, and find rest for your souls." Jeremiah 6:16

There's nothing for us to find or create, no skill or wisdom we need. We need only ask and follow. Footsteps.

"The wise men shall be put to shame;

they shall be dismayed and taken;

behold, they have rejected the word of the Lord;

so what wisdom is in them?" Jeremiah 8:9

The world's wisdom is not something to be pursued. It is empty. hollow. dead. 

"The hope of the righteous brings joy, 

but the expectation of the wicked will perish." Proverbs 10:28

Praise the Lord! My wicked hopes and desires (expectations) will perish. My evil will come to an end. It does not last.

"When pride comes, then comes disgrace, 

but with the humble is wisdom." Proverbs 11:2

Lord, teach me humility. My pride is strong. I want to love you selflessly. Teach me your way. What ancient path will bring me to be humble? Service. 

"From prophet to priest, everyone deals falsely. They have healed the wound of my people lightly, saying, 'Peace, peace,' when there is no peace." Jeremiah 8:10-11

"One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; 

another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want." Proverbs 11:24

"Whoever captures souls is wise." Proverbs 11:30b. What does this mean?

"Doing wrong is like a joke to a fool, but wisdom is pleasure to a man of understanding." Proverbs 10:23

The journey itself is the reward, where we are blessed and loved and challenged and grow. <3 If what we are in our final moments (the destination) were all our lives were for, the whole good God had created us for, then he could have created us at that point. The whole song gives the final note its meaning, and what I do today can take hold of the miracle that is life, and the love of God, and our wonderful, unbelievable gift of power to share that love. I don't want to take God for granted for a single day. 

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, Oh Lord, my Rock and Redeemer." Psalm 9:14

"But let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord." Jeremiah 9:24

I have broken God's heart time and again. Betrayed trust, taken without giving back, rejecting gifts and turning from his love. Yet he wants me to just turn back and face him and accept his love again so he can heal my wounds and forgive me, and love me as if I never strayed, as if I were always faithful and true, perfect and lovely and beautiful. I need to humble myself to accept this love, because it means that I must accept that I don't deserve it and never can.

Do not hope in or fear idols. "Do not be afraid of them, for they cannot do evil, 

neither is it in them to do good." Jeremiah 10:5b

So, apparently, I've never been a Christian.

This idea has been nagging in the back of my mind for a while, that I might not have been honest with myself that I believe in what the Bible says. I've been baptized, confirmed, and I've gone to church most weeks. I was sure I fit the "Christian" label. And yet tonight, I went to worship large group and I had a sudden realization that none of this is real to me. It's a fantasy land to me. I really wish it were real, because it would be so awesome to have a god that looks down on us and loves us and cares for us, but it's just not true. We have no savior, we have no afterlife, it's all up to us. I don't know if it's completely "true" to some people, but I know that I don't believe, and so have never believed, that Jesus came down from heaven to save us. That whole story never made sense to me. What's up with who Jesus is? Is he God, able to do anything? Then how can he be limited in human form? Either he cannot relate to true humans, as God, or he cannot be all good, as a human. Did he even exist? I don't understand what that story is meant to say.

In a night, my life has become this much more lonely (losing a god? so sad...), but it is so real right now. I won't waste my life living for a god that doesn't exist, waiting for a call that will never come, asking for comfort and help that won't show up, except by coincidence. I don't have to blame myself for what goes wrong, because I can be sure that I am a human and that we make mistakes. If there is a perfect God, then when I mess up it can only be out of his "love." Do I realize how much nonsense that is? How can a loving god give out punishment, pain, death, and suffering on the levels that I experience day to day, not to mention what happens to so many people around the world with cancer and in prison and in wars. Now, I am free to work with the skills I have, unburdened by restrictive laws written for another culture, and I can know my limits. I have control. I have security. I have freedom. I can have peace and I can be real. Jesus is not real, and is certainly not alive in heaven. Ah, mind blown. I would that I could have realized this sooner. The pains of growing up Christian. :\